Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Argh, trusting in God can be so hard!

So, another friend has announced her pregnancy.  This adds to a seemingly ever-increasing number of women I know who are pregnant.  Before I keep going, I should state that no, my husband and I aren't infertile and aren't currently trying to have another baby, but the women who are expecting just brings home a little issue I have within myself and with God.

I always wanted a big family.  Four children.  A boy first, then a girl, and two random draws.  In my childhood, I thought I would get married young (early 20s) and have my children while I was young, so I could enjoy them and keep up with them as they grew.  I was going to be the cool, young, hip mum at the school gate, and the mum who participated on sports day and won a race or two.  But, the thing is, I didn't find my beloved husband until my late 20s and we got married two weeks before I turned 30.  We thought it best to "figure out how to be married" before adding kids into the mix.  My oldest sister said once (or read once) "Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into a marriage."  While I wouldn't go that far, it sure does test the two of you, so we wanted to strengthen our relationship a bit more before we "threw a grenade" into it!  So our darling daughter wasn't born until two weeks before I turned 32.  We actually left hospital with her on our second wedding anniversary.

Now!  More children.  Where was I?  I know I'm not old, but in the fertility stakes, I think I'm bordering on middle age.  I have a few more years up my sleeve, all things being equal, but my dream of having a big family has had to be surrendered.  That hurts.  I'm not going to be the mother-of-four I'd dreamed about, unless I'm slammed with natural triplets next time around!  Eee gad!  But I've had this picture in my head of our "big family" for a long time now.  Perhaps that will entail taking in our children's friends and hangers-on.  Perhaps.  But in my heart of hearts, I want at least two or three more children of our own.

I know I'm blessed to have been able to fall pregnant naturally and relatively easily with our beautiful girl.  That, in and of itself, is my life's greatest gift and blessing and accomplishment.  I'm SO blessed.  SO blessed.  So, so many beautiful women, who would make AMAZING mothers, aren't able to have children of their own.  Adoption and IVF are SO expensive and a red-tape, government-burocracy-gone-mad nightmare that many of these wonderful couples aren't even able to try that!  It's not fair!  I don't understand it.  I get cranky at God for the injustice of it!  I'm not the most patient Christian.

Which brings me to the crux of this blog post.  Trusting God's plan and how freakin' hard that is!  Oh, I've had many a long conversation with God - mostly one sided with me doing all the talking - about what I want my life to be like.  I even picture our conversations in my head, and I can almost see God smiling and shaking his head at me and my demands and plans.  "Poor foolish child.  But how I love you" with a God-like chuckle (whatever your imagination makes that sound like).

I want more children.  I want a big family.  I've pestered God long and loud about it, but I also have to trust God knows best and has a plan for my life.  For whatever reason, maybe I'm only meant to have one or two children?  Perhaps having a smaller family will enable me to do something wonderful that might not be possible with a big family?  Foster children?  Adopt children?  Take in my children's friends who otherwise don't have a loving and stable home to go to.  And if that's God's plan for me - not meeting my husband until late and thereby capping our family size to "family sedan" - then so be it!

But wouldn't it be nice if God gave you a head's up?  Ah, but then it wouldn't be faith, now would it?

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