When our daughter was born, I wanted so desperately NOT to have a caesarian. I didn't care what else had to happen, or what I had to go through, I just didn't want a c-section. But guess what? I "failed to progress" after many hours of labour and her base heart rate started going up, indicating she was stressed. The doctors gave us the options and possible outcomes but strongly suggested we have a caesarian - for the safety and wellbeing of both of us. At that stage, I was so tired I didn't care - I just wanted her out, and I wanted her safe, in the world, born and breathing.
Afterwards, and in the months that followed, I couldn't stop kicking myself for having "failed". "If only I tried harder," I would say to myself, "perhaps I wouldn't have had to have a caesarian." I felt like I'd let her down, and let myself down, and that God had let me down because He knew I didn't want to have our baby in an operating theatre. But you know what? I have NO idea what the outcome would have been for either her or myself, if I had have dug my heels in and tried to have her normally. And I don't want to. I eventually realised that God knew what the alternative outcome would have been, and didn't want me or our daughter to go there. And, thank you God for that!
My wonderful adopted mum forwarded me something she saw on Facebook, hoping that it would help me at this point. And it did. It helped me realise that while I can get angry or upset about the situation I find myself in at times, I need to trust that it's where I'm meant to be. Everything has a purpose - we may see it at the time, perhaps later, or never - even though it might not be nice at the time.
Mothers, even adopted ones who live far away, are very wise.
So, here I am, still facing losing my job - and how the time drags to find out - and I have no Plan B, or C or D. I have an idea I'm going to try on for size - finding another job, using most of my current skills and qualifications, but challenging myself to take on new ones - and step out of my comfort zone. Writing reports? Liaising with the community? Attending meetings? Who knows - I might rock at those things! But at the end of the day, if I come up against more brick walls trying to pursue that path, that I can't knock down with my thick head and a few swift kicks, then I need to realise it's there for a reason - for my safety. The wisdom is in knowing when to stop. If I don't get a job I apply for, it's because I wasn't meant to have it, and there's something else out there for me.
So the new job hunt begins!