Thursday, 29 March 2012

Peace of surrender

Isn't it nice when you stop banging your head against a wall?  You're sure you'll get somewhere if you just keep hitting it.  But if the wall isn't meant to come down, no matter how hard you hit it, or with what, it'll keep standing and you're left with nothing more than a monster headache and extreme frustration.  But how like humans to keep trying anyway - we're sure we alone are powerful enough to make it move.  Perhaps if we hit it harder?  Perhaps if we hit it from another angle?  Or get a friend to try and hit it with us?  But walls are often put in our way for a reason - there could be a giant, snarly dog on the other side we don't know about, and the wall is there to keep us safe.  How often do we think about that?

When our daughter was born, I wanted so desperately NOT to have a caesarian.  I didn't care what else had to happen, or what I had to go through, I just didn't want a c-section.  But guess what?  I "failed to progress" after many hours of labour and her base heart rate started going up, indicating she was stressed.  The doctors gave us the options and possible outcomes but strongly suggested we have a caesarian - for the safety and wellbeing of both of us.  At that stage, I was so tired I didn't care - I just wanted her out, and I wanted her safe, in the world, born and breathing.

Afterwards, and in the months that followed, I couldn't stop kicking myself for having "failed".  "If only I tried harder," I would say to myself, "perhaps I wouldn't have had to have a caesarian."  I felt like I'd let her down, and let myself down, and that God had let me down because He knew I didn't want to have our baby in an operating theatre.  But you know what?  I have NO idea what the outcome would have been for either her or myself, if I had have dug my heels in and tried to have her normally.  And I don't want to.  I eventually realised that God knew what the alternative outcome would have been, and didn't want me or our daughter to go there.  And, thank you God for that!

My wonderful adopted mum forwarded me something she saw on Facebook, hoping that it would help me at this point.  And it did.  It helped me realise that while I can get angry or upset about the situation I find myself in at times, I need to trust that it's where I'm meant to be.  Everything has a purpose - we may see it at the time, perhaps later, or never - even though it might not be nice at the time.

Mothers, even adopted ones who live far away, are very wise.

Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won't get mad
God: ...I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Hmmmmm
Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: All right
Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one
of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that
Me (humbled): OH
GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
Me: (ashamed)
God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
Me (embarrassed):Okay
God: Your phone went dead becasue the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
Me (softly): I see God
God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a short that would knock out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.
Me: I will trust You.
God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.
God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

So, here I am, still facing losing my job - and how the time drags to find out - and I have no Plan B, or C or D.  I have an idea I'm going to try on for size - finding another job, using most of my current skills and qualifications, but challenging myself to take on new ones - and step out of my comfort zone.  Writing reports?  Liaising with the community?  Attending meetings?  Who knows - I might rock at those things!  But at the end of the day, if I come up against more brick walls trying to pursue that path, that I can't knock down with my thick head and a few swift kicks, then I need to realise it's there for a reason - for my safety. The wisdom is in knowing when to stop.  If I don't get a job I apply for, it's because I wasn't meant to have it, and there's something else out there for me.

So the new job hunt begins!  

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