Little bit of courage

So, I've decided to start my own online business.  It would give me some independent income and possibly be the start of taking back control of my income - exciting, daunting and scary at the same time.  It's scary and daunting because if you don't work, you don't get paid - there is no sick leave, maternity leave, holiday day or carer's leave.  And I'd have to go out there and advertise and market myself.  I know I'm good at what I do, but I feel really uncomfortable telling others about it.  I'd feel like I was being "up myself".  It's very Australian to talk yourself and your talents down.  Shame.  But I'm excited by the thought - and I haven't been excited about my career prospects since I first saw myself in a power suit, then found out I got into the course I wanted at university!  So that's a good sign, right?

Up to this point, I've always been happy being a "worker monkey", and having other people deal with the yuck side of business - hiring, firing, budgets and meetings.  I just show up, do my job, and go home at the end of the day, and miraculously money appears in our bank account every month.  Ta da!  But being a worker monkey also means your future and job security is in someone else's hands.  And at the moment, I'm not coping very well with that!  Stomach ulcer waiting to happen!

It might sound very boring of me, but most of what I crave these days is security and stability.  It could have something to do with the year's worth of uncertainty my family has gone through because of my current job!  And while I'd have control over my own work environment if I started my own business, I'm not sure I'd cope with the uncertainty of the work flow - will I get enough work this month to pay the bills?

But it can't hurt to try, right?  And if you never try, you'll never know!  In five year's time, I could have so much work to do that I'd need to take on a staff member!  Might need to start getting over my fear of paperwork and forms, I think!

Let's be honest

How many times, when you're talking to a friend and they ask "How are you?", you follow up with "Fine."  Or "Not bad."  Or even "Getting there."  When really you want to say something like, "I feel shitty, fat, like I'm struggling to keep my head above water, I'm going through a real rough patch with my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner and I don't know what to do, I'm stuck in a rut and can't see the way out..."  Why, when asked how we're doing, do we give everyone a sanitised reply?

I'm not suggesting you spill your guts to the poor supermarket check-out chick or dude when they follow their script of "How are you today?", but even with our friends we tend to keep our cards close to our chest.  Some dear friends, God bless them, keep pushing until they get the truth because they know us enough to see through the fakery - and how much better do you feel after you've opened up to one of those friends?  So why don't we do that more often?  Be honest?  Are we afraid that others will judge us as weak because we struggle from time to time?  Do we really think our friends and those around us don't have shitty days and struggle too?

The deadline is drawing closer to finding out whether I lose my job or not.  You might struggle to believe me when I tell you that I don't tell many people about it - outside close friends and family... and however many of you are reading.  But casual friends and acquaintances do get the sanitised answer of "Oh, I'm not too sure about my job's future but we're doing okay."  When really I should say, "You know what, there's a high chance I'm losing my job in less than two weeks and I'm kinda worried about making ends meet if that happens.  And somehow I'd like to study nursing but we don't have the money and there don't seem to be many nursing jobs going at the moment anyway, thanks to the State Government.  But I love God and trust Him to see us through this, even though the control freak inside me just wants to go crazy and 'fix' everything.  So, I don't suppose you need someone with my skills or know of someone?"  Ha!

On the weekend my beautiful, patient and ever-supportive husband told a friend of his the truth about where we're at at the moment, and the first thing he said was, "Well, if it comes to February and nothing's happening, give me a call.  I might be able to help or let you know of someone who is looking for an XYZ."  Cool, huh?  Our support network just grew by one more!

Honesty among trusted friends can open doors and lead to comfort, reassurance and support.  And who doesn't need more of that in their lives, even in the good seasons?  Whether it's relational, job related, parenting issues, emotional struggles or something else - we all need honesty to know we're not alone.

Ask a friend an honest question and wait for their honest answer.  Then be honest with them in return.  It might lead to something great - even if that's just a "warm and fuzzy" and a closer, stronger friendship.

(As an aside, have you ever seen the look of stranded horror on the face of the supermarket check-out chick/dude when you do give them an honest answer about how your day's going?  It's hilarious!  Poor kids don't cover that in training!  Best to follow their script!)

Let's talk

How often do you feel absolute relief when you learn that someone is going through, or has gone through, the same thing as you?  Whether it's illness, stress, depression, baby blues, struggling to keep on top of jobs, or you just plain feel like you're losing your mind, don't you feel great when you finally confide in someone and they say "Yeah, me too!"  I can almost laugh for joy sometimes!

I think people are programmed to keep a lot of things to themselves, thinking we're the only one in the world struggling with or experiencing XYZ.  But in a world of 7 billion people, do we really think we're that unique in our battles?  Chances are there's about 3 billion people who know what you're talking about!  So why don't we talk more?  Talk.  Share.  Get it out there.  The enemy /  darkness thrives in silence - shine a light in there by talking!

So here's my share.  There's a 50-50 chance I'll be losing my job in early February.  I was told just before Christmas that my department will be dissolved, with half of the staff going, and half being redistributed (as such) around another department.  Merry Christmas, eh?
Then about two weeks later, I had an early-stage miscarriage.  If it wasn't for the positive pregnancy test, I probably wouldn't have even realised I was pregnant, given how stressed and distracted I was about work.
And in amongst those two things, I was on deadline editing my first book (written by a wonderful woman) and was up until 1am and 2am most mornings trying to get it done, only to be up again at 6am with my beautiful daughter.  But you know what?  That editing work really helped me through that month - the message in the book was great, and it took my mind off work and loss.  And those hours of the night are so magical, powerful, peaceful and beautiful.  If it hadn't been for that book, I wouldn't have had that 'peace' in my day.

So here I go into 2013, again not sure of whether my job is safe or not, and what exactly will happen if it's not, after we went through the same stress just a few months ago (though I made that cut, but I have a gut feeling I won't this time).  With a toddler and a new mortgage on a house I love and plan to be in for the next 50-odd years, it is so bloody scary to think about losing my job and starting again - having to make new friends, learn new systems and programs, new shifts and routines...  My faith in God is being tested yet again (I think God really wants me to learn this lesson because it just keeps coming back around on me!).  I know He will look after us and provide for us.  I just need to let Him.  Ahh, hard for a control freak like me!  (Perhaps that's why I keep getting the 'lesson plan')

I also need to learn to trust in God's timing.  I would be in the throes of morning sickness now, and excited for our baby to be born in August if I'd had any say or control over it.  But it wasn't meant to be.  It will happen when the time is right.  God knows when that will be.  I don't.  That sucks, but I'm learning to let go.  And it wasn't until I started sharing with my closest friends and family about my miscarriage that the pain started to ease - love, hugs and shared stories back.  Goes to show - shine a light into the darkness by talking!  There is comfort in sharing.  And as they say, a problem shared is a problem halved.

My beautiful adopted mum summed up the point perfectly:  People and mostly women need to learn to share their experiences. That's one of the ways we become stronger. Ignorance of other's struggles makes us less compassionate as well as leaving us feeling alone. Let's tell the world how much we are alike and finding God in the hearts of those who love Him.

I'm also going to try and get out running again after falling off the bandwagon after the Bridge to Brisband 5km event last September.  I want to get back up to 5km, then download the Couch to 10km app!  Who knows, I might be ready to run a half marathon next year!  HA!  Having that time to myself and goals to strive for will help no end with this year's curveballs.

But above all this, in 2013 I need to learn to let go and have some fun - just roll with the punches, stop trying to fight the rollercoaster (because who knows I'm going to lose that battle?!?!), be still as often as I can, smile, laugh and enjoy all the wonderful things in my life, of which there are millions!

So buckle up 2013!  Here we go!

Mums from two worlds

So, my daughter and I went on a little adventure on the bus the other week - just to the local shops to get a few groceries - and while we were out, I ran into a mother from a mothers' group I used to go to.  There was something in her face and body language that told me she really didn't want to talk to me, but was 'caught' when I said "Hello" and politely chatted anyway.  After a few minutes, I gave her a quick out: "Well, we should go and catch our bus home, and I don't want to keep you."  She gladly took it and shot off into the supermarket.

My own insecurities kicked in.  My daughter was dressed for a day of mucking around at home, in her slightly mismatched hand-me-downs, a little bit of stubborn breakfast on her face; I was pushing a hand-me-down stroller, and looking 'casual chic' in my own ensemble.  Her daughter looked gorgeous in a sweet, clean little dress, and while the mum was having a 'home' day too, her summer dress was gorgeous, flattering, and matched her shoes perfectly.  My daughter and I looked like the riffraff neighbours, and she and her daughter looked like the well-to-do from a few suburbs over!

"Perhaps," I thought, "she doesn't want to talk to me because we look 'poor' with our clothes choices today.  And maybe she thinks we're weird because we caught the bus here."   And as we walked back to the bus stop, I made myself come at it from another perspective.

Perhaps she didn't want to talk to us because she knew in about 5 minutes her daughter would be beyond tired and would crack a nana?  Perhaps she had a tradesman coming to her house and she really needed to get home?  Perhaps SHE felt like a dork in her lovely summer dress (which would be crazy because she looked great!) and was embarrassed to be caught out by someone who knew her?  We always jump straight to ourselves to explain someone else's behaviour, when you often have no idea what the other person is experiencing.

But one thing that I held on to and made me feel really good, was the job I've been doing with my daughter.  While I'm so far from being a perfect mum it's funny, that day I was taking my girl for her first ride on a bus because she loves seeing them when we're driving in the car - she's always the first to spot one, even when it's blocks away!  We were having an adventure!

And while I was chatting to this other mother, my daughter was wandering around between us, going a few metres away to touch a shop window, then coming back to me, then toddling over to the plant display outside the supermarket to touch the leaves, then back to me.  All the while I could see her, and she could see me and was staying close while still checking out her surroundings.

"So what?" I hear you say.  Well, this other mother ran to grab her daughter just for touching a shop's display window.  She wasn't banging on it, or screaming - just touching, and looking back at her mummy.  And she was touching the glass window because there was a delicious, creamy-looking cake on the other side!  Who wouldn't want to touch that!  And after fetching the girl and firming placing her on her hip, and watching my daughter just potter around us, she said:  "Oh, I could never let Mary down in a place like this.  She'd touch the plants!"

"So what?" I thought to myself.  So what if she touches the plants?  If you're there and she's not pulling the leaves off or tipping the plants over, so what?  I realised on the walk back to the bus, that while my daughter and I might not always be beautifully dressed when we go out, I'm giving her a chance to experience the world around her, when some children aren't.  We went for a ride on a bus - and she had fun!  I let her down to investigate the shops, but always kept an eye on her and would naturally have corrected her or picked her up if she was doing something wrong or getting in someone's way.  And in some small way, I hope that's helping her development and view of the world.

And today we're off to the shop again, and I wonder who my daughter is going to make friends with today - who she is going to smile at, and who will smile back at her.  You never know who's day your child's smile will brighten if they're not given a chance to flash that gummy grin at others!

Two of my favourite recipes

Here are two of my family's dinner favourites.  They're cheap and easy to make, and my 20-month-old thinks they're delicious!


Vegetarian lasagna

Ingredients
4-5 cups diced vegetables (I use onion, eggplant, mushrooms, zucchini and yellow button squash.  But mix it up with whatever you have and like)
500g tub ricotta cheese
4 cloves garlic
2-3 stock cubes (I use vegetable stock but beef also works really well)
1 egg
instant lasagna sheets
1 big bottle of tomato puree (passata)
2 cups grated cheese
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese
olive oil
oregano
rosemary
thyme

Method
Heat the olive oil in a large saucepan over a medium heat and cook the onion until translucent (*you could add hamburger here if you like).  Turn the heat up and add all your diced veggies and a tablespoon of oregano.  Stir to coat all the veggies in oil and herbs and cook until they start to soften.  Add the passata, stock cubes, garlic and other herbs to your liking.  Add about 1/2 cup water and simmer until it starts to thicken (about 15-20 minutes).  (I know it's a bit more work, but it really does make the taste SO much better pre-cooking the veggies at this stage.)

In a small bowl, combine the ricotta, 1/2 the grated cheese, all the parmesan cheese, egg and 1/2 teaspoon of oregano (*I've also added a few shakes of nutmeg here, which is good!)

To cook
Spray the slowcooker bowl with non-stick/oil spray.
Spread a bit of the tomato veggie sauce on the base of the crockpot (to stop sticking) and place a layer of lasagne sheets down; top with tomato veggie sauce and blob over a little of the ricotta mixture; cover with another layer of lasagna sheets.  Repeat this two or three more times, finishing with a layer of ricotta and sprinkle with the rest of the cheese.

I cook it on "low" for up to six hours.  You could also cook on "high" for three or four hours.  In a pinch, I've also cooked this in the oven at 180 degrees for an hour, as you do with a normal lasagna.  Serve with garlic or herb bread, and because there's so many vegetables in it, you don't have to serve it with salad!



Tuna cauliflower cheese

Ingredients
A 500g tin of tuna (I use the one in spring water)
Half small cauliflower, broken or cut up into small florets
1/2 small head of broccoli, broken or cut up into small florets
Big handful of green beans
Medium can of corn kernels
1/2 cup rissoni pasta (or any small pasta shapes you've got on hand)
1-2 tablespoons of butter
about 1/3 cup plain flour
1 1/2 cups milk (I use skim but it doesn't matter really)
1 cup of grated cheese

Method
Pre-heat oven to 180 degrees.  Boil, steam or microwave cauliflower, broccoli and beans until tender.  Cook the pasta until al'dente.  Set aside.

In a small saucepan, make your white sauce - melt about 2 tablespoons of butter over medium-high heat; add enough plain flour to soak up the butter (about 1/3 cup'ish).  Stir around for about a minute to cook off the flour some.  Gradually add the milk and keep stirring until thickened - add a little more milk if it's too thick.  Add a small handful of the cheese, salt and pepper to taste and stir to combine.

Spread the vegetables, corn and pasta over the base of an oven-proof baking dish.  Drain the tuna and break up over the vegetables.  Pour the cheesey white sauce over the top and stir a little to combine.  Top with the rest of the grated cheese and bake in the oven until the top is golden brown.  Serve with a green salad and crusty bread.


I hope your family enjoys these as much as mine does!

Dear 20-year-old me...

If you could go back and talk to yourself at a particular point in time, how old would your younger self be, and what would you say?

There are a few points in my past that I really could have done with some grown-up-me advice.  Like when I was 16 and suffering depression because I didn't know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and didn't think I was smart enough to do anything other than menial labour.  Like when I had my heart broken for the first time by the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with - I was 18 and extremely naive, as all 18-year-olds are!  Or like when I could have confronted my dad about his affair but I didn't have the courage.

But the point in my life where I really needed the grown-up me to step in for a chat, was in my very early 20s.  And it's all about love, self worth and knowing God and His love for me.  And it would go something like this:

"That guy doesn't love you - he's just trying to get into your pants.  And he doesn't even think your pants are that special - to him you're just another chick.  If you say no and stick to your guns, he'll break your heart in order to find another girl who will believe his lines and jump into bed with him.  Trust me, the temporarily broken heart is the better option!

"The love you are searching for so badly, and that you think is in the arms of any guy who smiles at you and holds your hand, is already with you.  GOD loves you madly and passionately just as you are!  He can fill the void you're trying to fill.  He has great plans for your life, that include love, trust, faith, honesty, loyalty, children, a house, laughter, a good job and friends.  You're breaking God's heart by selling yourself short to these men who in 15 years, won't even remember your name.  Hec, they're likely to forget you after 15 months!  They're damaging your soul and your heart.  Your heart is precious, it's unique and wonderful and special and worth guarding with all your might!  Be strong.  Find your faith.  Hang on.  Your "one" is coming.

"And even though you won't be rich when you're older, grab whatever cash you can and invest in something called Apple.  And DO NOT dye your hair blonde - you'll look ridiculous for a good year trying to undo that damage!  And sorry, your freckles don't fade away and you'll still get pimples into your 30s."

I was talking to my husband and my mum in the last few weeks (not in the same conversation) about why I dated so many 'wrong' men, and went out drinking and partying in my early 20s.  And I think it's because of three reasons:  1) Everyone else was doing it, and I finally had some money and freedom.  2) I was so desperate to find love that I did what I thought you did to find it.  And 3) I had no other role models in my life to show me any other way of being a woman in her early 20s, and I had all the wrong information.

I didn't know a single active Christian woman back then.  I didn't have anyone to tell me, "Hey Jen, that's not what you're supposed to do.  It doesn't make you feel very good, does it?  That's because that's not what God wants you to do.  There's a much better way to live your life right now!" And I probably would have ignored that one person, but if they were part of a group, and one of many voices, they might have stood a much better chance of getting through my thick 20-year-old head!

I could, and have spent a lot of time wondering "what if".  What if I hadn't gotten into that relationship?  What if I didn't get on that plane?  What if I didn't go out clubbing?  I mean, how much more money would I have now!  Cha-ching!  But wishing I had made different choices in my youth is pointless, because I can't go back and change a single thing.  And yes, it's true that all those experiences helped shape who I am today, but I know the who-I-am-today, while wiser and pretty darn fantastic, has hurt and pain woven into my fabric that was never part of God's pattern for my life.

So, let this blog post stand for one voice against the millions of others, telling you, young woman or teenage girl (if any of you happen to be reading this) - there IS a better way to live your life than throwing yourself at a man, trying to find love.  Sex does not equal love.  If a boy doesn't like you, sleeping with him isn't going to change that.  But know the truth that GOD loves you, and has wonderful things in store for your life.  Guard your heart!  Don't give your love or body away.  You are worth protecting.  Don't believe the lies those boys are telling you.  You are special, beautiful and unique.  Be strong.  Find your faith.  Hang on.  Your "one" is coming.

Bye-bye pre-baby body

A baby changes your figure.  There's no way around it.  Even if you lose the weight (and I'm about 5kg off), there's all that extra skin that was stretched to buggery when your stomach was out to wharzoo.  And your boobs, whether you breastfeed or not, will never be the same size again.  Things move.  Things expand and shrink.  Therefore, so does your wardrobe.

Today I'm putting my winter clothes away and bringing out my summer clothes, and I reckon I'm about to donate $2000 worth of clothes that don't fit and will never fit me again.  When I did this this time last year, I was still hopeful that I'd lose more weight and things would move back where they belonged, so I held on to a lot of it.  Not this year.  I understand now that this is what my body is going to be like from here on in - wider hips, bigger boobs and a softer, pudgier tummy.   Tops have to be long enough to cover my tummy now.  Shorts have to be long enough to cover most of my thighs.  And muffin tops are only good for eating!

I'm going to be a little sad today, mourning the loss of my pre-baby body.  Hec, I looked great a few years ago, but as with most women, I didn't appreciate it then - I do now though!  And in about 10 years time, I'll probably appreciate my 33-year-old figure more than I do now!  However, I'd much rather cull all my tight and ill-fitting clothes now, leaving only comfortable clothes that fit me well, rather than prolong the pain throughout summer, getting upset every time I pull out a pair of shorts that I can't get past my knees, or a top whose buttons refuse to stay shut across my chest.  In short, I'm taking steps now to ensure a happy summer season ahead!

In other news, I ran my first 5km fun run on September 2 and it was WONDERFUL!  I went for my first run last night since the race two-and-a-half weeks ago and it felt great!  It hurt, and I was thankful that I had to wait at two rail crossings so I could stretch and catch my breath, but I'm back on the bandwagon!  I just need to find another fun run to keep me moving on these forthcoming hot Australian evenings!  Ahh, summer in Australia.  Bleck!